Grade A Meat.

that twas me in february. i was looking at some old photos and i never realized how good i actually looked, im jealous of that bitch now! ugh, this is my motivation now, to get that body back. i didn't wear make up as much then, i was a lazy hoe :D

thanks for all the comments, im at a friends house because its friday and i needed some company and we just worked out at the gym and went to some classes. i even sold some fucking art today! momma's on top of her game!

my bestie here keeps trying to convince this creepo guy to come over and she wants to give him a BJ, shes obsessed with lots f guys, right now shes obsessed with this boy who totally looks gay and wears tight jeans and looks like the descendant of freddie mercury, then there are old guys off the internet from London, then theres this college guy who used to go to our school like a billion years ago (2 years ago actually) and then numerous celebrities including lil wayne and morrissey, but they dont count cause we all know celebrities are make believe :D like the perfect weight.

cheers!

Put the Starving in Artist.

hahaha i really like that title. so i was on another blog, and i noticed Wannarexics (as they call it) are getting more and more prominent. they are a controversial subject so i dont want anyone to get angry here, but i do not support anorexia and bulimia itself. i am not pro-ana/mia, i am pro-ana/mia people. which to me means that i support and care for fellow girls who suffer from an eating disorder as do i. i've seen many blogs where girls are putting up how "they're tired of their weight and are trying to search for ana." fuck that. i don't know how ANYONE could love anorexia and bulimia, i sure as hell don't, i fucking hate it. an eating disorder is constant regret and failure and tears and ugly consequences to your body and mind. i've tried soooo many times to get "better", but i just dont know how to eat normal anymore... or when or where, and i'm not retarded or anything, i know how to eat but its the whole "feeling okay" with eating and not caring how much fat is in it and what not...

Anyways... im not saying there is nothing wrong with Wannarexics, anyone who tries to purposely develop an ED definitely either has a big fucking problem or doesn't truly know what the difference from having and suffering from an ED is.

but do Wannarexics even know if they are a wanna? but i do believe wannarexics can turn into anorexics, but its the WHOLE ENTIRE fucking trend of it. eating disorders are not hot.

oh yeah i lost 1lb, im aiming for 2lbs in the next 2 days and i gained muscle!

Good News?

Can you believe i actually miss school? i even miss that thin bitch girl, who wants to gain weight, i miss looking at all the Dancers at my school competing for a low BMI! i miss the conceited theatre students who barely know how to read, i miss the music students who make me cry with their beautiful orchestra, i miss the opera singers and how they play with my soul with their vocal chords... my high school is on a college campus so i have a lot of independence and EVERYONE who gets accepted to my Arts High gains about 10 lbs in the first year because at the college we have a food court!! like at the mall and stuff and its just endless different varieties of food and machines, we even have Starbucks. i think i gained the freshman 5 lb but i quickly lost it and more. i used to be excited for when we got monthly body exams to see our skin fold and body fat % and BMI and much more! it always helped me get in check!

im weighing in on thursday! hopefully im 107lbs! todays a fasting day and a gym day with my best friend Gretchen, who's back from cold San Francisco. i missed her company.

do you ever feel like the chunky kid at the gym? thats how i feel when im at the gym.. there's all these tiny fucking people haha and have you heard of PHAT pride? well, its a group/organization of females who are overweight and they are disgusted by skinny people... i understand why they would be... but are they disgusted by skinny people? or the media's push to be skinny? i support anyone on whatever journey they're on, whether it to be healthy or unhealthy.

Bulimia Thin No More.

ohhhh my people. guess who got force fed? mmmm oh me oh my, it was i. i feel like a whale! im kind of exaggerating because im not bloated or anything thank god, but there's an uneasy feeling about it. im fasting for a week and so far i've done well. im doing 3 hours of cardio today to make up for the weekend, so far i've got down 1 hour.

im trying really hard not to binge nor purge. i was never a binger!!! i don't remember how it started... i guess when i was younger i over ate and what not but now? i plan out binges, i actually think of what to binge on and combinations and all that bullshit and then its all just to look forward to purging it all and being empty again. my throat has recently started bleeding, i was purging two bowls of cereal and i guess the end of the toothbrush shanked my throat because im actually losing the ability to throw up and i guess i was being frantic with my throat movements, anyways, i threw up blood. i wasn't alarmed, but i looked in the mirror and told myself that this would be my LAST binge and purge. i used to almost be "anorexia thin" but because of bulimia im now "bulimia thin".

for those who don't know, anorexia thin is where your so thin anyone can see that you are anorexic , "that bitch is anorexic thin, with bones and all its glory" and bulimia thin is where your are still fairly thin, but you look normal.

do you think i'll be semi-safe if i drink two 5hour energy drinks to boost my metabolism?

We All Do It

i'd like to address this cause... we all do it. we strip to the flesh and glance at the mirror, no matter how small or how large the mirror, be it palm held or full length... we stare at ourselves, as if maybe this time, we'll look different. we pose and flaunt, and then we crumple to the floor in the fetal position and our skin rolls together and touches. we become upset and angry and we curse the times we let sustenance on our lips. but we need hips, well hip bones that is. be it weight or plain looks we crave for some sort of beauty.

things i do:

1. i bleach my upper lip hair, not that i have a mustache haha but i cant stand the thought of it darkening. and i bleach my budding happy trail hair =p
2. i wax my bikini line, shave my legs and underarms, not my arms.
3. i put lemon on my hair at times to lighten my highlights.
4. i wash my face with acne stuff and i exfoliate my skin.
5. i put ice on my pores to make them smaller too.
6. i try not to wear foundation, i usually only wear mascara cause my face doesn't take too much make well, or i look like a hoe cake prostitute.
7. i like to wear classic black alot, when i go shopping and i can't find what i want to go with something, i get it in black because its a neutral color and it makes you appear slimmer.

do you do anything drastic? or minimal? besides starve yourself silleh!

thanks for the comments loves, it makes me rethink my motivation and now im more motivated than ever! it makes me feel like i should get thin for all my followers =)

i wont be available this weekend because i'll be away at my cousins home and they don't know about my anorexia or bulimia but they know i have apparent "food issues" so leave me some comments or some stuff on my formspring and i'll read all your blogs when i get back!

i'll be fasting the whole time! and if im force fed, i will only eat portions smaller than my palm.

i miss being thin...

i used to be strictly anorexic, i used to eat 0-200 calories, i ate 400 calories on a bad day. now i binge and purge, im a fucking bulimic monster! i've gained a whopping 10lbs since May. i feel like a lost slob, i need to become one with my eating! im starting my eating journal again. i refuse to binge purge anymore. and i know most of the weight i gained is muscle so eventually when i burn off all this fat, im gonna let my body eat at my muscle like i used to. im going to be 95lbs. i can do it, i know i can. you can do it too! we can all reach our goals.

i am dying to try the ABC diet but i've fucked with my metabolism already too much and i'm scared once i start i'll gain more weight because my metabolism is so slow. can anyone cut me a big juicy slice of advice?

oh, and thank! for the lovely comments, i needed it at the time, you guys are awesome! <33

to answer some of your questions:

1. i was with him cause i wanted to feel some sort of affection or deep love.
2. yeas we do stupid things :)
3. my exercise plan is strict but sometimes i don't get to do it everyday, an hour of toning (on the exercise channel) and an hour of running a day which burns 600 calories for me = -1lb a week. everyday is an attempted fast for me, i usually eat between 100-400 calories a day. and a day after a binge (if im not able to purge) i fast and then the next day i do a saltwater flush. i work lean muscle only , im no body builder. i want a tone tight slim body, not a bulky muscle body =O i do cardio, pilates, yoga, muscle isolation.

thanks babes! ciao! <333

Deflower?

hey kids, my computers been getting glitchy, the bastard thing! i've been fasting, but late at night i crave grapes and juices. my abs are becoming more defined and i'm getting more lean muscle. yesterday was the anniversary of losing my virginity, its not like i was counting down the days but it crossed my mind, and i kept seeing men who looked like Jay. Jay was 32 and i was 15, he took me to the movies. he was supposed to drive me home but instead he drove us to this abandoned road cut off from society and i swear it seemed like we were in another world. it was a dirt road and it was summer, 100 degrees in his car. all i could see were rusty fences aligned with the road. he screwed me in his car and it was horrible. ouch. painful. he sweated all over my new dress.

i felt so far away from him even though he was in me. i never really wanted him to do the numerous things he did to me, i just wanted him to hold me. i remember crying over the phone like a little bitch to him of how upset i was that i was no longer a virgin. i was fasting that day so i was out of it, dizzy. my mouth tasted like a bare palette with no flavor of a previous meal but the mist of hunger. i wish he fucked me when i was 102lbs, an emaciated little anorexic, then if he REALLY broke me i wouldn't feel bad for ratting him out.

i didn't mean to snitch... i was being an emotional little prick who was starving! i should've shoved a chocolate bar in my fat gob! thanks for contributing to my eating disorder, when i hit 95lbs you'll see... you'll see... you'll see me...

Salt Water flush and how to do it correctly!

cant get through the nastiness? please read if you have tried or thinking of trying.

haha, i told another girl about the salt water flush and she posted it on her blog and now sooo many girl do it, its not for everyone, its for people who are serious about the flush and cleanse.

you have to make sure your not using iodized salt, thats BIG no no, use natural or sea salt, non-iodized. i usually hold my nose or just push my self to drinking it cause im serious about losing weight and cleansing my digestive track, you might be using too much salt too, but either way its not meant to taste like kool-aid.

How to make this concoction:

a quart of luke-warm water and 3 tsp of salt, mix/shake well, and chug chug chug!!!! lay on your right side to help it move freely in your digestive track. and within 30 minuts to an hour, everything in you will pour out, it can be really irritating after a while, not painful, but annoying, so dont plan on going out, or you'll crap yourself in public.

When to do it?

you only do this cleanse either in the morning before you eat (dont snack after the cleanse or during) or whenever you've been fasting.

Why it didn't work for you perhaps?

1. you didn't use enough water, or enough salt.
2. the water was cold, warm water passes through the system at a faster rate.
3. you couldn't drink it all! don't be a sissy! your a tough bitch! ;D
4. you might have food in your tummy still, meat stays in the stomach a longer period of time.
5. you snacked durning the flush!!!!
6. i recommend you dont weigh yourself on the same day because you most likely will still have water passing through you still, so DO NOT be surprised if you jump right on the scale and it has an extra 1-2 lbs.

if you have high blood pressure you should consult a doctor before doing this cleanse, im here for support or any more help, cause i've done multiple cleanses, you have to be serious to push your self through drinking, DO NOT question your motivation if you're having trouble getting this drink down, its NOT for everyone.

this cleanse does not melt fat of of you, it cleans out the junk it your system throughout the ENTIRE body and toxins that can make it hard to lose wight, so after the cleanse it should be easier to lose weight again, well, it was for me.

GOODLUCK!

<333

do friends make you fat?

ah! my friend slept over at my house and it was fun, we went to the gym and did lots of cardio and toning, im starting to see fantastic results! i can see the creases of the muscles on my arms!!! im in pain but its worth it. i'll have a tone fit thin slim (all of the above) body. fuck yessssss. we're going to the beach on tuesday and i want to be at least a tad thinner... its funny how me and my friend are workout buddies, but whenever im with her, she gets me to binge, usually people with eating disorders isolate themselves to stay thin, but im such a social person i cant isolate myself too much... if i had dumped ALL my friends an all connections to anyone, even this blog, i'd most likely be emaciated and be on a feeding tube. maybe i should just not make any more plans?

im not blaming my friends, but when you have them, you cant really kick food out of the questions, sleepovers you have popcorn and junk food, when you go out partying there are dishes. and i used to be on lamictal (mood stabilizer) and i had soo much control i feel, and now that im off it.... i feel a tad lost... i hate the fact that all my fasting is for when i eat with friends... or even if i eat sooo little... i like everyday to be an attempted fasting day... ah shit

goddamn i am, screwed to the fullest. im working out for 5 hours tonight, wish me luck! :D

Great Title.

sorry i haven't commented on blogs lately, i was at a friends house and slept over. we went to the goddamn cheesecake factory and it was delicious and while i binge i always tell myself that i can fix this, i can become normal and be happier this way, but NOPE! i wasn't able to purge because she knows i do and wouldn't let me. we went clothe shopping but the clothes were too big for me!!! yay! they weren't too big for my ass but everywhere else it was! my weigh in was at a lousy 110 (50kg)though -_- but it'll be 105 (48kg)by the end of this week cause i'm doing my trusty salt water flush, i plan on running more too, cause my friends dad is a chronic runner, he ran 26 miles in 4 hours, its crazy! and he eats whatever he wants because he basically burns it all off, so it got me thinking that i should boost up my running time 30 minutes each week, right now i run for 60 minutes, running burns a lot of fat so i'm getting to it fast! my other friend wants me to go shopping too but i got lost along the way and had trouble getting back to my hometown, and i want to be 100 lbs (45.5 kg) when i go on a shopping spree, it'll be a waste of money if all my clothes are too fucking big...

im not on my adderall so all my fasting is pure willpower, which im sure i can do cause i have before... i wish i was a virgin again, i think i wish this because its a fad now to be one, everyones getting purity rings and all, but like ALL fads, it'll go out of style... its pretty lame... naw i'll just deal with it. im no virgin no more, no more.

now i must go read ALL your blogs and comment comment comment.

Recommend thin?

what are YOU most scared of about anorexia? the effects that will happen later on if not now? i'm scared of losing all my thick chestnut brunette hair... and when my teeth fall out and gums rot. is it worth it to starve? i think we all think that it wont happen... i always told myself that once i reach my ultimate goal weight that i'd start to be healthier or that i wouldn't go overboard if the whole weight loss... but i cant promise that!! i'm going to be 95lbs before september, i swear on my soul. come back to my blog or follow along 'till the end of august, i will be 95lbs.

There's something about being so thin and weak that attracts me to it.. to have a BMI lower than 18.3, to be so frail, fragile, and delicate... i have no desire to be bulky muscular or be average or just some skinny girl. i want to be a slim slender bitch. - i WILL be a slim slender nice bitch.

i'll weigh in on wednesday because i have to cleanse on tuesday, support me through my journey? cause i know i'm gonna be craving a shit fuck of things, cause i'm a girl and i love chocolate an shiz like that :D

i love you all sooo much, and i read all your amazing blogs!!!

<333>

Love & Loved

hahah thanks for the comments, just to be clear, i've dated many people before.. so i know what its like to be in relationships and such, but thanks for your concern my lovers. my problem is that the wrong people want me and i want the wronger people, like emotionally unfaithful skanks.

when i was much younger i dated boys, i always loved girls and i never stayed with boys long because i simply never felt that connection -emotionally, then i started dating girls, and they were always older than me by at least 2 years because people don't tend to come out till high school ends, luckily i go to a very liberal art high school and there is no hate crime, i've never been gay bashed or made fun of -to my face.

when im older and committed i would love children, maybe 4, the reason i want children sooo bad is because its an unconditional love that i most want, to love someone so much no matter and for them to love me no matter what i am or what i do.

to be loved and to love. unli we find love.. i'll love you!

<333

Cupid's Perfect Shot

i love reading all your blogs gals! i DO read all of them, i try to comment on every single one cause i know it means alot to people, even i LoVe comments, sometimes i don't post 'em though because i dont want to sound too giddy and stupid with my language, but all your blogs are beautiful<3

okay what's new with me? my weigh in is tomorrow and i'm hoping to be... i dunno. just lighter than 110lbs. i fixed up my profile cause i was hungry and i wanted to distract myself. did you know there's a workout channel???! i worked out for 2 fuckin' hours, it was awesome and i was sweaty and gross and i might've burned 1200 calories i swear! i watched the 'HOOTERS swimsuit pageant' and it made me feel disgustingly flabby D:

everyday is an attempted Fast for me until i feel faint, then i'll have a pear or 60 calorie soup or some shit... i've been sooo bitchy, to tell you the truth, its probably because i haven't had an orgasm in like a week, im starting to turn into an old woman!!! i think its one of the consequences of starving, no sex drive. and of course i rant of randomness, im craving cake and pie and shit!!! but i must resist it for 2 weeks cause thats about how long it takes for the sugar addiction to leave your body.

my psychiatrist,"my drug dealer", thinks im not ready for relationships because i apparently don't know what appropriate affection is ;D which is false, i know what it is i just don't know how to "deal" with it... i guess it all comes back to craving affection cause "i be a lost lil' soul", who isn't?!

stay calm and stay clean lovers <333

Underage. (explicit)

im glad some people read my blog :) okay here's what's been goin on in the fantastic life of moi -_-. on fourth of july i went to the rose bowl and i met the mayor and his rich lil' white family and i sat in a private booth cause my family got VIP tickets, i binged, gained, starved and lost some weight. i last weighed myself at 115 and now went to 110lbs, thank god im getting somewhere, most of it was water weight and toxins and junk.

do i party too much? should i go to normal cupcake parties and not penthouse boozed up ones? im kind of ranting so bare with me! i want a girlfriend, thus i will get one, a shit fuck of boys want me... but what good does that do me when i go down on girls and not munch on cock? pardon my francais. Grown men get on my nerves, i hate when pervy old men hit on me, i'm basically just a kid, i used to try and use men, but that has damaged me psychologically multiple times... ever since i was 12. i don't have big tits or anything, it must be pheromones or something in the air, cause i don't see it. oh fuck what am i saying... im a total tease. some girls turn it into an art form, and i did at one time, but thats the old me i guess cause im not dating girls and not manipulating poor men craving and bingeing off their love and affection for me... but its all fake... still tastes delicious.

i should date Lady GaGa, she's Bi, and that would make me her first.... but... i'm underage, hasn't stopped me before, but i guess when im 18 and at a clear mental state i WILL fuck the Fame Monster or love her, whichever comes first... oh wow its late! my talk is gettin' raunchy. have you ever had soooo many friends but felt sooo alone? thats how i feel, cause i'm not super close to anyone... i feel like it wont benefit me if they get too close, i never hurt people, they usually hurt me, except my dad, i hurt him with my actions.... I WILL NOT GET ALL MUSHY SAD ON YOU SRY! i wish i had a comfortable amount of money where i wouldn't blow it all on something nor constantly count it... but to enjoy what i could benefit from it... like SHOES.

ciao loves <333

Lolita wonder!

Dilemma

To answer some of your Q's, I'm not Bi I'm totally gay, that night i had just a little too much to drink hehehe we all have those times...

the healthy way is the good way and i plan to lose 20lbs before school starts which I'm confident and very sure i can do =)

omg am i really doing 2 posts in one day?? yes yes i am! this is the first time I'm not motivated enough to exercise.. i mean.. I'm motivated but I'm so weak i feel like if i do my hour run i might faint or hurt myself even more, but i CAN NOT get behind my schedule, i must be thin,i must lose at least 1lb a week if not more. i feel so content and weak when i fast, can i only fast and not workout? and only workout on non-fast days? someone give me some advice please??? i'll be pissed if i have to admit to someone the reason i collapsed is because i starved... running is the most efficient exercise for me, but boring, but disciplined! i need discipline! i just need to fucking sweat! i could walk.. but it would take 2 hours to burn the same amount of 1 hour of running and i'll feel like a failure... help me?

much love <333>

popular failure?

Damn its been like a week hasn't it? i told myself the longer i am on the computer the less time i have to work out so that's why it feels like a weekly post lol instead of a daily. i went to a party and it was held at my friends penthouse, white couches and clear blue pools, plasma TVs and stainless steel. it was fun, except i binged with everyone, ugh i wasn't even hungry but i wanted to feel apart of the party... i felt gross in my bikini because there were dancers there and they weren't skinny but weren't flabby at all! im just a visual artist, i still run though. we got drunk off of vodka, it tasted like nail polish remover but started to taste like water after i was wasted, but a good wasted, i felt so content and happy and everyone loved each other, it was great, except a boy who got so drunk and kept trying to fuck everyone and we kind of fooled around... i think? fuck! actually no... he just got a hard on while i was sitting on him in the jacuzzi hahaha sick shit! he was so fucked up he was walking around with a hard on. poor guy... there was a model there, she's really sweet and of course skinny, but she has a fast metabolism i can tell can she ate as much as me.

i gained like 10 lbs, but i dunno when i started to gain again!!! i've been working out much harder and im fasting for as long as i can with the help of will power and an occasional adderall. i think its all the diets i've been trying, i think it was the low carb diet where you eat only high protein and fat foods and my body was suppose to go into ketosis and burn fat for energy and not protein nor carbs but... i guess it didn't work for me. MORE DISCIPLINE!!! after im done with community service im going back to the fancy big gym and not my wimpy home town gym. me and my friend are gonna work out and it'll be awesome! that means i have to lose about 10 lbs before this month ends just so i can get back to my previous weight and then start losing more before school starts, fuck it'll be a journey, i must read all your blogs now! <3

bye bitches, much love and be bad, when im good im good but when im bad im better.