-4 pounds of my ass

Its as if my lovely little bloggers are disappearing. Unless my Google reader is broken because it claims i only have 60new reads when im used to 300-something! oh well...we all take breaks... I mean I've been gone for a fuckton of time...

I'm down 4 pounds, I hope to lose 4 more pounds by January 9th, so I can at least be at 116 pounds, yeah know? I've started purging again, its a painful experience since my body had recovered from all the vomiting and internal decay, but I get one hell of a high from it.

By my birthday I should be an unhealthy 105lbs again.

HAPPY NEW YEARS BTW. I have the choice of going to three parties. No food, all booze, and a good one night stand.

My new eating schedule:

breakfast: half cup veggie soup- 60 cal

lunch nothing: rien

Dinner: one piece toast, 1/8 cup cashews -170 cal

Total: 230 cal

Exercise:

aerobics: 1 hour-600 cal

running: 30 min-300 cal

Total for the day: 770 out take

Living to Die, and Dying to Live

so many lovely comments :) well, my mother stood me up and just never came to pick me up, nor called. im used to it though so im not pissed off or moved to tears. i stayed home the whole day and didn't see anyone in fright that i might binge with a friend.

did you know a heaping tablespoon is an actual measurement? thats so fucking retarded its funny.

i made White chocolate raspberry cheesecake because i was bored, it takes 2 hours to prepare, 1 hour to cook, and 8 hours to cool in the fridge! i hope everyone likes it, i know i'll never know :D well, i did have a couple white chocolate chips... i did an hour of cardio that day.

i tried to work out more later on, but my stomach started going into this stinging shocking pain, same with my chest plates and throat, i waited for it to go away and it settled, and then more hair from my lovely scalp came off in clumps, i dont have bald spots though. i started taking fish oil pills like yo guys said, so hopefully it'll make a difference <3>

it crossed my mind that some people think that they are only living to die, that we only exist to die, but what about the middle? like the good part of the goddamn Oreo! live long, prosper, then die.

Answers:

1. Lauren: yup, the smell alone curbs my appetite too :)
2. Saphira: aw thanks hun, you have such a beautiful soul too, i hope i reach my goal weight also.
3. Sarah: i can only hope for control :) you're inspiring too.
4. Idil: stay lovely yourself too <3
5. Bali: i love watching numerous cooking shows too :D
6. Lola-Rose: thanks hun <333>
7. V: yeah i enjoy others eating my food too, as long as i dont munch on it :)
8. EDNOS Angel: yeah thats all her negativity is good for now haha

well i must go read all your blog posts now and my weigh in is monday because during the week mes parents travaillent, my parents are working, then i can starve ALL day and work out.

ciao!

do friends make you fat?

ah! my friend slept over at my house and it was fun, we went to the gym and did lots of cardio and toning, im starting to see fantastic results! i can see the creases of the muscles on my arms!!! im in pain but its worth it. i'll have a tone fit thin slim (all of the above) body. fuck yessssss. we're going to the beach on tuesday and i want to be at least a tad thinner... its funny how me and my friend are workout buddies, but whenever im with her, she gets me to binge, usually people with eating disorders isolate themselves to stay thin, but im such a social person i cant isolate myself too much... if i had dumped ALL my friends an all connections to anyone, even this blog, i'd most likely be emaciated and be on a feeding tube. maybe i should just not make any more plans?

im not blaming my friends, but when you have them, you cant really kick food out of the questions, sleepovers you have popcorn and junk food, when you go out partying there are dishes. and i used to be on lamictal (mood stabilizer) and i had soo much control i feel, and now that im off it.... i feel a tad lost... i hate the fact that all my fasting is for when i eat with friends... or even if i eat sooo little... i like everyday to be an attempted fasting day... ah shit

goddamn i am, screwed to the fullest. im working out for 5 hours tonight, wish me luck! :D