-4 pounds of my ass

Its as if my lovely little bloggers are disappearing. Unless my Google reader is broken because it claims i only have 60new reads when im used to 300-something! oh well...we all take breaks... I mean I've been gone for a fuckton of time...

I'm down 4 pounds, I hope to lose 4 more pounds by January 9th, so I can at least be at 116 pounds, yeah know? I've started purging again, its a painful experience since my body had recovered from all the vomiting and internal decay, but I get one hell of a high from it.

By my birthday I should be an unhealthy 105lbs again.

HAPPY NEW YEARS BTW. I have the choice of going to three parties. No food, all booze, and a good one night stand.

My new eating schedule:

breakfast: half cup veggie soup- 60 cal

lunch nothing: rien

Dinner: one piece toast, 1/8 cup cashews -170 cal

Total: 230 cal

Exercise:

aerobics: 1 hour-600 cal

running: 30 min-300 cal

Total for the day: 770 out take

Vegan Raw Foodist

im still fasting and strangely i feel pretty great. i cant run a marathon or anything but i feel so clean inside. im attempting going vegan, its really difficult to do, but i feel like i should compensate for my starvation and eat super healthy when i eat. i hate the idea of meat and dairy products rotting in my body and having my body suck up all the empty nutrition of garbage junk food. i was vegetarian before, but now im vegan. i wanted to be a vegan raw foodist, where you only eat raw vegan food, but this school year i wont have the money nor time to accomplish it. i've lost 3 more lbs from fasting, but i wont change my stats until next week.
i start my junior year of high school wednesday and im nervous about it. time goes by so fast and then we die, we cease to exist. but if i manage to recover from anorexia and i live to be an old wrinkly raisin, i hope i'll be at peace with it. this year i'll be attending more parties at my friends lofts and this years fashion show i shall model at 95lbs or lower and not 103lbs.
sorry for the boring post! 
im easing out of my fast this week:
Monday: 1 cup cantaloupe, 2 cups greentea- total 55cal. burn 600
tuesday: 1 cup watermelon, 2 cups greentea- total 50cal. burn 500
wednesday: 1 cup soup, 2 cups greentea- total 70cal. burn 400
thursday: 2/3 cup whole grain cereal w/ 1/2 cup almond milk. total 145cal. burn 300
friday: 1 apple for breakfast, steamed spinach for dinner. total 110cal. burn 500
sat.: tofu sauteed spinach, 1 apple for dinner. total 142 cal. burn 600
sun.: 1 mini bagel w/ 1tbsp organic jelly for breakfast. 1 cup salad for dinner. total 210. burn 600


total week intake: 682cal  
total week outtake: 3,500cal


ciao <333 must go read your blogs now

do friends make you fat?

ah! my friend slept over at my house and it was fun, we went to the gym and did lots of cardio and toning, im starting to see fantastic results! i can see the creases of the muscles on my arms!!! im in pain but its worth it. i'll have a tone fit thin slim (all of the above) body. fuck yessssss. we're going to the beach on tuesday and i want to be at least a tad thinner... its funny how me and my friend are workout buddies, but whenever im with her, she gets me to binge, usually people with eating disorders isolate themselves to stay thin, but im such a social person i cant isolate myself too much... if i had dumped ALL my friends an all connections to anyone, even this blog, i'd most likely be emaciated and be on a feeding tube. maybe i should just not make any more plans?

im not blaming my friends, but when you have them, you cant really kick food out of the questions, sleepovers you have popcorn and junk food, when you go out partying there are dishes. and i used to be on lamictal (mood stabilizer) and i had soo much control i feel, and now that im off it.... i feel a tad lost... i hate the fact that all my fasting is for when i eat with friends... or even if i eat sooo little... i like everyday to be an attempted fasting day... ah shit

goddamn i am, screwed to the fullest. im working out for 5 hours tonight, wish me luck! :D

Binge/purge Party of 1

Ever been to one? well, i have. all regular teen girls have binge parties. but i go to binge and purge parties. such a sad truth. my best friend Gretchen and i went to chill at her house and we ordered pizza and pasta and made crepes, and we ATE IT ALL. i didn't even really want to but i did with her. shes about 170lbs and 5'5'' and isn't bulimic though, she knows i am and the problem with that is, its very influencial. she kept trying to make me eat moreeeee moreee food and i told her i couldn't. then she said she would let me purge if i helped her finish off the lasagna with its glorious fatty oils seeping out of its corners...

I binged, we complained of stomach pains like ordinary gals and then i went off and emptied my system, it was soooooo gross and embarrassing to have her know what i was really doing. i came back and i felt perfectly fine and she lay on the floor disgusted with herself. i felt bad, and i knew what would happen. she said she was going to go throw up! i told her it was the worst addiction and that she shouldn't. well, she trailed off to the W.C. (bathroom) and came back defeated... her tongue peircing was too much in the way so she couldn't purge, thank god!

she used to be obsessed with food but i was more obsessed i guess. im glad shes healthy though... sometimes i wish she still was, having an ED is so lonely...