Vegan Raw Foodist

im still fasting and strangely i feel pretty great. i cant run a marathon or anything but i feel so clean inside. im attempting going vegan, its really difficult to do, but i feel like i should compensate for my starvation and eat super healthy when i eat. i hate the idea of meat and dairy products rotting in my body and having my body suck up all the empty nutrition of garbage junk food. i was vegetarian before, but now im vegan. i wanted to be a vegan raw foodist, where you only eat raw vegan food, but this school year i wont have the money nor time to accomplish it. i've lost 3 more lbs from fasting, but i wont change my stats until next week.
i start my junior year of high school wednesday and im nervous about it. time goes by so fast and then we die, we cease to exist. but if i manage to recover from anorexia and i live to be an old wrinkly raisin, i hope i'll be at peace with it. this year i'll be attending more parties at my friends lofts and this years fashion show i shall model at 95lbs or lower and not 103lbs.
sorry for the boring post! 
im easing out of my fast this week:
Monday: 1 cup cantaloupe, 2 cups greentea- total 55cal. burn 600
tuesday: 1 cup watermelon, 2 cups greentea- total 50cal. burn 500
wednesday: 1 cup soup, 2 cups greentea- total 70cal. burn 400
thursday: 2/3 cup whole grain cereal w/ 1/2 cup almond milk. total 145cal. burn 300
friday: 1 apple for breakfast, steamed spinach for dinner. total 110cal. burn 500
sat.: tofu sauteed spinach, 1 apple for dinner. total 142 cal. burn 600
sun.: 1 mini bagel w/ 1tbsp organic jelly for breakfast. 1 cup salad for dinner. total 210. burn 600


total week intake: 682cal  
total week outtake: 3,500cal


ciao <333 must go read your blogs now

its not what you eat

its whats eating you! as you may know, i had recently been restricting to 35 calories or so and i was very weak. but i didn't give into food. since last post i've lost 2.4 lbs,i prefer restricting than stuffing my fat face. im aiming for 95lbs so im well on my way! they say its impossible to control anorexia... but something in me says i can, i can maintain 95lbs and not lose control and drop to deathly underweight, which i wouldn't mind too much. i want to be normal, but im tired of asking for help, im tired of disappointing my dad. my dad is an overeater, and i tell myself that i'll get healthy when he gets healthy.
i've been watching films based on eating disorders, hunger point and sharing the secret, neither showed the actual journey through recovery. my period stopped i think? it lasted only two days last month and now im not sure if its coming back. oh well.
i love grocery shopping. i love being around food, but i hate eating it, i love the idea of eating it and the sin of total gluttony. i like the fact that if i were forced to swim in a pool of food, bathing in high fructose corn syrup and grossness, and not open my mouth, its mentally orgasmic, yeah, i know its strange, but bare with me haha. when my dad and stepmom went to the grocery store, it was like a wonderland of all the treats i wanted, i tried so hard to avoid asking for them, because i was basically there on the prowl for binge food. but instead i got:

1. My healthy vegetarian entrees which are usually around 200-300 calories.
2. Pronamel toothpaste for my recovering teeth of bulimia.
3. Almond milk, great for fasts when your stomach acids eats at your tummy ;)
4. Watermelon and Cantaloupe.

And i also got white chocolate and dark chips for baking, cause we all know how much i love to bake and watch people eat. 
im fasting today and reading your blogs<3

Im a fucking whale

i feel disgusting. i feel like everyone is moving forward and my lard ass back. i've lost weight, SO THE FUCK WHAT. i haven't eaten today, and i wish so deeply that i could throw up any hidden calories of the air. i hate this, i hate this so fucking much. i cant even work up the energy to work out, my feet are so torn up. i cant binge, i wont binge. i refused to eat, i refused to look normal. i can do it again.
i want so bad for my body to eat itself. i feel i shouldn't be hungry because im so fucking fat. my body should be having a feast. i want to punch the fucking walls. i want to cook tons of food for people and not touch it. i want everyone to tell me im underweight. because i will be. i am going to be. back to my old routine.
monday consume 35 calories. burn 600 calories
tuesday consume 40 calories. burn 300 calories
wednesday consume 60 calories. burn 600 calories
thursday consume 70 calories. burn 400 calories
friday consume 0 calories. burn 100 calories
sat-sunday consume 20 calories. burn 500 calories


penalty: no resting, no sitting, always keep moving if not standing, only sleeping is rest time.


im ready for this fucking battle.

some tips to end cravings?

if you are trying to quit sugar, i know how! but yes it will take some will power ladies. sugar is a fucking drug. it is! my alcoholic biology teacher told me so! your body will crave crave sugar like crazy, but to prevent nasty binges on good all sweets you can do this :

1. get an 8 oz of warm water, or room temperature water. and get your real sugar out!
2. dip your pinky on the sugar until you have a few grains nicely on the tip of your pink finger.
3. then put those grains of sugar in the water and let it dilute and drink the whole glass of water. 
4. after awhile the craving should stop completely. its like a quick fix for the sugar fiends out there, like myself :)

i've tried eating sweet fruit to make the cravings go away and it just never worked for me, until i got this tip from a lean healthy cook book. hope this helps you lovelys!
ciao <3

i fixed my comment link!

oh holy shit balls, thanks you so much Lemons, for telling me it was messed up. i meant to make it for people with blogger accounts, cause i was nervous people at my school would see it.

oh well, its fixed! comment on the post below ?

Its Been Awhileee

i went on vacation in Newport Beach and now im back, im sick though ugh! don't you hate it when you don't binge, but you eat the wrong stuff? thats what i did.. im becoming a vegetarian again and for this week im doing a raw vegan plan to clean out my body of gross toxins and Orange County Fair food! i might not blog all this week because i have a lot of homework i need to do, and i need to start working out again! but im going to read all your  blogs and comment still, i know im way behind. but life's been kind of hectic. my stepmom has been scary nice recently, but she has this thing where she'll snap at any given moment so i always have my guard up.


ciao lovers! <3

lets learn how to love together.

Little Children and Coked Up Girlfriends.

riding, riding in my red hood

down this road of hypocrisy

there is no big bad wolf

but i, devouring myself.

feeding on my youth and all of its glory.

can't you see?

perfect to a T

you say eat, eat, eat.

bitch, you can continue telling yourself it never happened,

because nobody knew.

well, i know, i know you.

just a little word vomit for you. i got my new prescription for adderall, and my psychiatrist bumped it up to 20mg. i now hate food. it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes unwanted. i have no desire to consume nor any need. i feel like a zombie. i went to Westchester to have a picnic with my friends, and everything looked unappetizing. i never write in my diary much anymore... whenever i do i get shitty and sad and start scribbling a sob story. my diary entries are more interesting than my blog though, i kind of feel too self conscious or nervous that a school mate might find this silly little page. i'll snap out of it soon hopefully.

whenever i speak of my childhood, i always feel like im talking of someone else, and then i think of all the things i've done to myself, how i hurt myself, how i let others hurt me and then i feel like i've abused this child that was once me. oh snap, this drug is really gettin' to me.

my love life is a slight joke, a good pun in a newspaper. i date pussy sluts. what is this you might ask? its the girl who's less committed in your relationship and likes to sleep around. i am the more loyal girlfriend. i've never been cheated on yet, but they are always short relationships.

i date unattainable women. my last girlfriend was anorexic, bitchy, conceited, a compulsive liar, and a drug user, "recreational of course". she left me for her best friend and it hurt me. but they never worked out. i had the audacity to invite that skank to my party once and she threw up in my brothers bathroom and denied it. the way she did it was animalistic, i wont go into detail.

fuck, i should go, before i start spewing more random bullshit into the air.

ciao <3

Living to Die, and Dying to Live

so many lovely comments :) well, my mother stood me up and just never came to pick me up, nor called. im used to it though so im not pissed off or moved to tears. i stayed home the whole day and didn't see anyone in fright that i might binge with a friend.

did you know a heaping tablespoon is an actual measurement? thats so fucking retarded its funny.

i made White chocolate raspberry cheesecake because i was bored, it takes 2 hours to prepare, 1 hour to cook, and 8 hours to cool in the fridge! i hope everyone likes it, i know i'll never know :D well, i did have a couple white chocolate chips... i did an hour of cardio that day.

i tried to work out more later on, but my stomach started going into this stinging shocking pain, same with my chest plates and throat, i waited for it to go away and it settled, and then more hair from my lovely scalp came off in clumps, i dont have bald spots though. i started taking fish oil pills like yo guys said, so hopefully it'll make a difference <3>

it crossed my mind that some people think that they are only living to die, that we only exist to die, but what about the middle? like the good part of the goddamn Oreo! live long, prosper, then die.

Answers:

1. Lauren: yup, the smell alone curbs my appetite too :)
2. Saphira: aw thanks hun, you have such a beautiful soul too, i hope i reach my goal weight also.
3. Sarah: i can only hope for control :) you're inspiring too.
4. Idil: stay lovely yourself too <3
5. Bali: i love watching numerous cooking shows too :D
6. Lola-Rose: thanks hun <333>
7. V: yeah i enjoy others eating my food too, as long as i dont munch on it :)
8. EDNOS Angel: yeah thats all her negativity is good for now haha

well i must go read all your blog posts now and my weigh in is monday because during the week mes parents travaillent, my parents are working, then i can starve ALL day and work out.

ciao!

What A Sin

thank you for all the beautiful comments <3>so the past few days i've been fasting and detoxing my body and i feel great! i dont feel i have much to say except my stepmom is trying to make this snack rule where everyone has their own snack bin or bag or whatever and we each get an amount of snacks and once we run out, too bad! it REALLY helps me from not eating, even though its only a competition of one, me, im not gonna eat any snacks, i usually dont eat snacks anyway.

Answers:

1. yeah my step mom's a bitch :)
2. i do use her negative existence as motivation for myself.
3. Coercing a child to perform lewd acts, thats what the Law calls it.

when i get bored, i bake. is that weird? i like to cook for people, usually cupcakes, and deserts and blah blah blah, i enjoy other peoples joy eating, but i do not eat at all. its strange, it satisfies my cravings in a way. i'll weigh in on monday and hopefully be 108lbs atleast.

Consumption today :

Wont Ton soup: 1 cup + 120 calories.

Green tea: 16 oz -160calories.

ciao lovers <3

i'll be gone for the weekend cause i'll be visiting my dear mother. Oh! and i haven't purged in over 4 days now!!! thats a milestone for someone who used to do it 7 times a day!! yay me!

Root of Anorexia

My half sister is only 8 years old, but she's the most rude, mean, child i know. its sad to say that but i blame my stepmother. my stepmother is two faced, rude, cold, cruel, loveless. i have 2 sisters and 1 brother. me and my brother share the same mother, my mother... my mom. my mum. she's a pathological lier, she's sick with crones disease and she's unable to care for my bro and i. she left when i was 3yrs old. she was addicted to pain killers and alcohol.

me- mom your an alcoholic.

mom- i only drink on the weekends.

me- im only here on the weekends.

She dearly loves me and had missed out on most of my life. the only solid memories she has of me are of my childhood times, so if i see her she treats me like im 8. when my father married a woman he didn't even love (my stepmom) it was because he was still in college and he was in dire need of help. he needed a woman who had control over her life (not my mom), and my stepmom had that, and i was so excited to have a "mom" like all the other girls at school, but was very cruel and anal, and controlling. she's always angry.

she controls all the food too, everything is "her's" or her "babies" food and if it goes missing, heads will roll. she used to scream at me and call me names and make me look at what i ate, that wasn't suppose to eat. my younger sisters even have their own cupboard of good food. no one can go into the kitchen because she will follow you there, to see what your getting, which helps me starve myself. she says mean things to me and even told me to kill myself, she also thinks im a slut. shes overweight and when i was underweight i knew she envied me because she would buy whatever i bought, like liquid soup fasts and lemon juice and junk.

Even when we had to meet with the FBI because when i was 13 a man coerced me to do child porn, she was only there to blabber about how much she knows about the law because she's a faggy paralegal. child services has even been called on her a couple times for emotionally abusing her children to the core.

anyways my sister is now slowly becoming like her. my sister said i was at a fat weight. but i knew she would become like her mother, its not her fault, its the way her mother treated her, its all she knows how to be. all i can try to do is help her.

Cheater, Drug dealer, and all my hair

when i fast i use my adderall to help me sometimes. i have to take it anyways but is that cheating to you? it does take away your appetite, but trust me. once it wares off its more counter productive than its said to be. once it wares off, you're more hungry than a motha fuckin' hippo!!! remember that game?

i used to sell my adderall... i had only done it a couple times, 20 bucks per pill. i'd sell it to all the rich bitches at my school, and even to my bestie once, she gets a 10$ discount though. i don't give it in dangerous amounts, its 15mg-20mg pill that keeps you focused on everything but food.

my hair is ALL falling out. i have the thickest hair ever, so i don't have bald spots or anything, but its coming out in these big clumps, i could make a wig for christ sake! i try not to touch my hair so i can keep it intact as much as possible, but my hair is falling out because i starve, and if i do eat i purge, so in the end my body gets ZERO nourishment. soon my nails will turn a dusk blue and break off. im not underweight like i used to be but im still malnourished.

im doing the Salt Water Cleanse with Epsom salt tomorrow with my bestie Gretchen, not in the same house but on the same day. my stomach is more toned and is flat, my hipbones pop out and my ribs show like smooth waves. im lighter than 109lbs now i can feel it.

ciao lovers