Chubby Chaser

i want this damn shirt.

i attempt posting an entry once a week or so, and whenever i post i read all your missed blog posts and all. its quite time consuming :)
i dont feel sad anymore or numb. im not sure what to write about really except
FUCKYEAHCHUBBYGIRLS! i was totally into this tumblr, with pics of all these chubby girls with all this confidence, and they almost make me wanna be chubby! -but no, im a chubby chaser, i dunno why, but i dig chubby girls, not all of them, but there are some HOT chubbs out there. i was also informed of the Tumblr, Confessions about eating disorders. where all these girls post secrets about their eating disorders... there, of course, are also secrets of girls wishing to have an eating disorder. its not fun nor glamorous. i hate having one... i also hate having nightmares of my teeth falling out... did i mention i dont have a period anymore? infertility here i come! but why do i feel like a PMSing beeyoch then? my hair still falls out but i refuse to take fish oil because its 10 whole calories. i might shave my head then.

My Ex looks like this, she is also anorexic, and a bitch lol

yesterday i had some cashews and a piece of veggie cheese, i know im a fat lard, dont tell me otherwise. sometimes i feel on blogger all we do is tell each other not to be hard on ourselves and that theres always tomorrow to start again. no fuck, we have an eating disorder everyday, no matter what day. Having an eating disorder IS being hard on yourself -its torture. dude... it sucks balls. (sorry for the cunt attitude, shit went down today. i had to watch my whole family eat ice cream and apple pie, all i could think of was how good it must taste and the texture and temperature.)
Breakfast: fruit slices w/ vitamins- less than 50 cal.
lunch- nothing
Dinner-nothing
Outtake-600cals, burn baby burnnnnn
some girls you might like.

i love youuuuuuuuuuu, thanks for putting up with my shit <3

Sleeping Beauties

the funeral was numbing and the body viewing seemed so unreal.... i mean, my grandma looked real, she looked asleep, so peaceful. when i die i don't want an open casket, because i'll feel too exposed... people were touching her and it almost scared me, because they all just kept saying how cold she was but also how beautiful she was. cancer sucks.


when i got back to school on wednesday my teacher never came to class, we all wondered where he had gone because he never missed a day of school EVER. never sick or anything. he was the man everyone loved because he would support you no matter what. the school called the police to go to his home.
he was found dead. heart attack they presumed. i was no longer numb. i was a crying mess. i cried my face off. everyone at school cried. even people who didn't know him shared memories of times he went up to them and said, are you going to change the world today? i've never lost someone this close... my grandma and i were never close... but why do i cry for him? maybe its because i saw him everyday for 2 years. maybe its because when i was down he would say, if your discouraged, get encouraged. he would call us all champs and jedi's. he was THAT teacher. that one teacher you had to say hi to everyday because he was like a father.
me and my ex-bestfriend were reunited on this day we found out our dear mentor had died. we held each other and cried.


the school sang gospels and i ate chocolate for the first time in many months. men cried, boys cried. teachers wept, i wept. thank you so much for your sweet words last week, you don't need to say sorry for my losses, i know it can be really generic, i'll just assume you all think the same for this one. i love you all very much. stay safe please.

Lonely Stoner

i was sitting in Trigonometry class. i got a text from my mother, my grandmother is dead. dead, dead, gone, no longer human, no longer anything, but apart of the earth, dead. i felt nothing. its a strange feeling to actually just feel nothing. and i felt like i should be crying and screaming and making a scene in front of everyone. but i didn't. like i usually do, i kept it all to myself like everything else in my life... until lunch and i felt like i should tell someone, anyone, so i told my dear friend Sasa (nickname). i didn't feel any better, nor any worse...
i have 128 blog posts of yours to read =0
it was friday and i had planned to hang out with some very chill musicians. an oboe player, french hornist, and pianist. we ate weed smores and drove around, had some subway  and just rode the waves of Hash and Pink Floyd. we went to the french hornists rich neighborhood and smoked some pot, i felt like i was fuckin flying and the pianist and french hornist were basically fucking in the backseat and kicking my damn chair but i was too into Pink Floyd to care. they left for awhile and we lost track of time because when you're high you go by MARIJUANA MINUTES.
 well, it was late and then they came back, and right when we tried to leave it turned out we killed the battery!!! and we were in a racist white neighborhood in La Canyada so one of the neighbors called the cops on us "brown kids" as they call it and the cops came in FULL FORCE. they searched our bodies and the car and we were so StOnEd with red eyes and everything! but I was so calm, my grandma just died, they couldn't phase me. fuck pigs. they found my friends pot smores and he got a ticket, thank god his mom came to get him, but its going on his record. me, the pianist, and oboe player got away with it though, because they didn't search the trunk. my dad doesn't know anything thank the lord...


so that was my friday night.
i should probably weigh myself, but my skinny ass isn't gonna get any happier about it.
the funeral is tuesday. im going sober.
my therapist also said i have until new years to decide to get better from my purging type anorexia or she'll have to call child services and what not.

Everyone dies alone

Hello lovely people, i dont write that much anymore, maybe its because school started? i cant wait to hear of all your school experiences...
well, i visited my mother yesterday to see my grandmother, shes dying of a brain tumor, and the last time i saw her she was crying saying sorry for anything because she knew she'd be gone soon, but now... she cant speak or move or anything, she was a baby again. we come in this world needing help and we leave needing help. it wasn't so much sad to see her that way, just strange... so strange to actually witness the deterioration of another human being, watching someone die slowly and take their last breaths. i wanted to hold her and tell her it would be alright, but how could i possibly know that? she was asleep most of the time and i wondered if she was dreaming. i get my looks from her so i couldn't help but imagine myself in the same situation one day.


some of you lovely people say you look up to me, which i find really touching, but you shouldn't, because im sick, im slowly dying, slowly killing myself, and i'd be a cruel young girl to tell you to come and follow me down my road, because the last stop is perfection and the last stop is death.


and we all know everyone dies alone.

Starving the Monster Inside

Well, i've started school officially yesterday! and i was so excited because during school i starve the most. as i've said many times before, my high school is on a college campus with Starbucks, fastfood, and a foodcourt with food galore, and at my school everyone apparently gain 10-15lbs (the freshman 15) their first year cause they're soooo overwhelmed by the freedom. well, im a junior and im proud to say im not one of those people. i fucking get high off of it, the fact that everyone is stuffing their faces while i silently sip my stainless steel mug (filled with green tea or coffee) secretly starving the monster inside me. it's so empowering i literally crave and feast on that control alone. its almost so empowering i want to tell everyone how i have all the control in the world or how im sooo disciplined with what goes in my body. i've fasted for so long that i feel like i cant have food in me becasue i'll ruin the purity of emptiness. i HATE the idea of solid foods in my body or weighing me down, im not even hungry anymore, what i feel now that used to be hunger, is power and beauty, something so human and natural no one can take it from me. its mine. i almost feel evil for loving this sin i've created. what has kept me going was, yes, my eating disorder. what has recently motivated me this week was my old thinspo book, its quite sad of how i thought (still think) of myself today. models dont motivate me. i motivate me. i dont need pictures. i need me.
its easy not to eat a pig when im a pig myself.
when girls at school or friends would ask, "omg, youre so skinny what do you do?! *giggle*" in my head i would say, " i simply just dont eat, but its not simple at all really, because if it was, everyone would do it." but out loud i say that im a vegan and i exercise, the typical thing you tell someone who asks you something like that.
i rolled in bed all night wishing to be a skeleton in the morning, feeling all my bones.
yours truly,
Lola's Eating Disorder
well, im off to my therepist appointment, i plan to read and comment on all your blogs ASAP i have 75 unread posts -_-  hahaha<333

Vegan Raw Foodist

im still fasting and strangely i feel pretty great. i cant run a marathon or anything but i feel so clean inside. im attempting going vegan, its really difficult to do, but i feel like i should compensate for my starvation and eat super healthy when i eat. i hate the idea of meat and dairy products rotting in my body and having my body suck up all the empty nutrition of garbage junk food. i was vegetarian before, but now im vegan. i wanted to be a vegan raw foodist, where you only eat raw vegan food, but this school year i wont have the money nor time to accomplish it. i've lost 3 more lbs from fasting, but i wont change my stats until next week.
i start my junior year of high school wednesday and im nervous about it. time goes by so fast and then we die, we cease to exist. but if i manage to recover from anorexia and i live to be an old wrinkly raisin, i hope i'll be at peace with it. this year i'll be attending more parties at my friends lofts and this years fashion show i shall model at 95lbs or lower and not 103lbs.
sorry for the boring post! 
im easing out of my fast this week:
Monday: 1 cup cantaloupe, 2 cups greentea- total 55cal. burn 600
tuesday: 1 cup watermelon, 2 cups greentea- total 50cal. burn 500
wednesday: 1 cup soup, 2 cups greentea- total 70cal. burn 400
thursday: 2/3 cup whole grain cereal w/ 1/2 cup almond milk. total 145cal. burn 300
friday: 1 apple for breakfast, steamed spinach for dinner. total 110cal. burn 500
sat.: tofu sauteed spinach, 1 apple for dinner. total 142 cal. burn 600
sun.: 1 mini bagel w/ 1tbsp organic jelly for breakfast. 1 cup salad for dinner. total 210. burn 600


total week intake: 682cal  
total week outtake: 3,500cal


ciao <333 must go read your blogs now